Is it just me, or does the voice-over from Mike Vogel (Barbie) introducing the show each week sound more and more irritated? “A couple of weeks ago. . .yep, I’m still doing this shit.”
The 12th episode of the season titled “Turn” opened with Rebecca Pine and the teenagers, watching the dome threaten to crush Chester’s Mill like Luke, Leia, and Han in the garbage compactor.
“I will figure it out,” said the schoolteacher, whose education apparently included “contracting domes.”
Back at the high school, Lyle was still spouting crazy biblical shit, while Melanie continued to knock on Heaven’s door. AGAIN. Luckily, this time she had a young hottie at her side in the form of Junior. Unlike Sam, this guy didn’t have a murderous record. However, he did have a pension for kidnapping. (Still an upgrade if you ask me.)
With last week’s cold spell and Julia on the verge of going the way of Angie and Linda, Barbie and Julia have barely had time for make-up/reunion sex, and this week was no different, with the contracting dome threatening their love nest. While the two heroes packed up shit and heading for the middle, Julia contemplated taking a photo of her dead husband with her, something Barbie urged her to keep as a memento. (After all, he did introduce them.)
So Julia and Barbie headed to the high school, where they got into philosophical debates about the intentions of the dome. Julia didn’t believe the dome was for evil—but for good. Just like it was good to hook up with your husband’s killer—not evil.
“I hear that the dome’s contracting?” said Big Jim to Rebecca Pine. Congratulations to Dean Norris for saying this line with a straight face.
Egg-pocalypse Now
Tattle-tail Joe threw Hunter under the bus, forcing his new nerdy friend to admit he was working for Barbie’s father. Barbie immediately roughed him up, inadvertently pulling up Hunter’s shirt to reveal some nerdy abs from old Hunt-Man. Someone’s been doing crunches in between Reddit updates. Eventually, Barbie grabbed Hunter and headed for the dome.
“Don’t you want to see what he’s up to?” said Joe to Norrie, the former of which may have a homoerotic obsession with Barbie. Of course, the Bobbsey Twins followed.
At the dome, where the black army man usually stood guard, Barbie put a gun to Hunter’s head in front of the man, hoping to get answers. Appearing from a black car, Barbie’s father came to the dome to speak with his son.
Hunter changed his signage to “Need Egg Now,” which made me wonder whether Hunter and Barbie were just looking for a surrogate for a baby they secretly wanted to have. Boy was Joe gonna be jealous.
Speaking of Joe, he and Norrie need better hiding skills, as they were about as obvious as the Little Rascals standing on top of each other and posing as adults. Barbie spotted them immediately when a bush started to shake and he knew it wasn’t because Joe had closed the deal with Norrie, if you know what I mean.
In the end, Don Barbara and Barbie worked out a deal. If Barbie directed him to the egg, they wouldn’t mess with it, since it messed with Melanie—Barbara’s daughter.
Melanie? Egg? Her?
Speaking of the devil. Melanie Cross. Remember her? Also known as “Dead Girl” for a few episodes. Melanie has been a character pretty much the entire second season of this show. Yet, Big Jim had no idea who she was. When Junior mentioned his new girlfriend, Big Jim had to get clarification. Who?
“Melanie Cross? Wasn’t she a friend of yours 25 years ago?” said Big Jim to Pauline.
“She died,” said Junior.
Because his father had no idea who she was—and it was basically Big Jim’s fault she was dying—Junior tried to land some punches on his father.
Dr. Rebecca Pine revealed a new Melanie development: Her body was quite literally falling apart. Dr. Julia Shumway offered this diagnosis: “All I know is when the egg disappeared, her health went downhill.”
Rebecca Pine: Schoolteacher, Scientist, Doctor
“Lima beans.” This was the only way Melanie Cross was going to pull through, according to Rebecca Pine, who in the same breath uttered how to use them to do a blood transfusion on Dead Girl. (Still not clear on how this worked.) But soon, Rebecca and Sam were stealing lima beans from neighbors in an effort to help give Melanie the blood transfusion she so desperately needed.
Sidebar: Should we really be mixing blood in the dome? Given there are probably a lot of germs and diseases already filling the air like a fart in a blanket, is mixing blood another thing we should be doing? Notice I say “we” like I am actually in the damn dome.
As Rebecca transferred her blood to Melanie’s, they had a heart to heart—although you can’t really have such a thing with someone whose pulse stopped beating 25 years ago. Rebecca revealed her mother had died when she was young, and overall, it was a feeble attempt at character development.
Happily Never After
Not sure whether this is foreshadowing for the big finale next week, but Joe found a gun in a desk at the police station and questioned whether he should carry it—empty of course.
“The one and only time you ever held a gun, you almost shot Melanie in the face.” – Norrie
Good point.
Back at Big Jim’s garage, Pauline admitted she felt alone and ashamed for letting Melanie die all those years ago. Then, her husband helped her regain her visions and ability to make shitty artwork by simply holding her hand through the strokes (probably in an effort for some stroking later—it had been a while, after all). Eventually, Pauline created something that could help Melanie. A vision that could save her life.
“If you painted it, it must be true,” said Big Jim, as blood dripped from the canvas of Pauline’s artwork.
As Pauline regained her talent(?), Lyle flipped through her old drawings with Junior back at the high school.
“That’s your mother and me. Entering Heaven together.” Why are the civilians of Chester’s Mill even humoring this crackpot?
Drag Mel to Hell
Under Barbie’s direction, Mr. Barbara picked up the egg at the playground where it had presumably crash-landed after Big Jim threw it off the cliff. As soon as Mr. Barbara got his hands on it, it turned to black. The army men threatened to shoot him unless he put it down. Naturally, because Mr. Barbara touched the egg, it severely affected Melanie.
Somewhere else in the dome, Julia gave the following speech, which many Juilliard applicants will surely steal as a monologue for their college audition process this fall.
“I know. We screwed up. Over and over again. But even with everything that’s happened, I still choose to believe you’re trying to protect us. I think when you stopped moving that was a way to give us all another chance. Please help Melanie. She deserves to live.”
Then, the dome started contracting again.
Guarded with her artistic vision, Pauline rallied the gang together to try to help Melanie, even giving a speech to Junior as if she may not survive the episode. Lyle, dressed in a black suit while leaning against a locker like some sort of pedophile creeper, watched as the entire cast of the show headed to the crater with Melanie on a gurney.
At the area in the woods where Melanie had died decades prior, Melanie soon became the dome, with everyone pawing at her like they were at a goddamn orgy. The plan was to put their hands on her to bring her back to life. But unfortunately, they were missing Angie’s magic hands.
“Melanie counts as two hands.” Rebecca pulled this explanation so far into her ass you could find the lima beans she’d stolen earlier in the day. Yes, apparently Melanie counted as two people since she died and came back. It’s “quantum physics.”
It worked for a little bit, until a dustbowl surrounded Melanie like Pig-Pen and she got pulled into the ground.
After Melanie disappeared, everyone looked to Pauline with scorn.
“Was that in the picture?” said Joe.
This hate was preposterous considering they’re all just guessing what’s going on at this point. This whole show is a bunch of characters throwing darts at a dartboard.
As Pauline tried to figure out how the vision had gone wrong, with Big Jim comforting her, Lyle sneaked up behind them and stabbed Pauline because he’d been so jealous of Big Jim all these years. With blood in her mouth, Pauline gurgled that she was supposed to be a sacrifice (that’s what the blood on the canvas symbolized). In retaliation, Big Jim stabbed Lyle—fulfilling Lyle’s prophesy that he and Pauline would go to Heaven together.
The episode ended with the characters staring at the hole Melanie had disappeared into, while an update of the 1960s song “Turn! Turn! Turn!” played.
Didn’t this feel like the finale to you? What do you think will happen next week?