Defamer’s Guide to Saving the Oscars

Defamer’s Richard Rushfield pokes some good fun at the efforts to help boost the ratings of the telecast — I kind of agree with this first one. Let’s face it, “fixing” the Oscars has never really worked. I have long believed that it isn’t the show but the films and the star power that matters. Bigger stars, more popular films is probably the way to go. And by popular films that doesn’t necessarily mean not-as-good-as-their-indie-brethren. It just means films many Americans have actually seen before the broadcast airs. Here is Rushfield:

EMBRACE THE KIWANIS WITHIN
Oscar is never, ever going to win over these kids today, so go with your strength. Lead with the stodgy; you’ll play well to your base and once every decade and a half, catch a retro wave. These days the Hollywood establishment is the aging Baby Boom generation, who are bound to actually become cool one of these days.
Host: Billy Crystal
Producer: Jeffrey Katzenberg
Ideal Best Picture Winner: Braveheart
Opening Number: A Rockettes lead a musical tribute to the films of screenwriter Ron Bass, high-stepping to the greatest moments from Rain Man, Snow Falling on Cedars and Dangerous Minds.
Clips Reel: A complete recap of The Today Show reporting the weekend grosses every Monday morning of the past year.
Log Line: This IS your grandfather’s Oscars.

It’s funny but I’m telling you, it’s true.

DRINK THE GLOBES UNDER THE TABLE
The reason why the Golden Globes have held their own against the declining Oscars is liquor. The dinner setting of the Globes show has traditionally meant well-lubricated winners making some of the more free-wheeling, demented speeches of awards season. Well, two can play at that game. Mandatory tequila shots and forced picks from the mystery wheel of amphetamines for all attendees.
Host: Jack Nicholson
Producer: Ben Silverman
Ideal Best Picture Winner: Couples Retreat
Opening Number: Stars careen to their seats on a giant Slip ‘n Slide placed down the aisle.
Clips Reel: The best moments of buddy comedies, guys who love to laugh with each other.
Log Line: Come and Get It!

Yes, again, funny. Here’s the thing about the Globes, though – they have TV stars and all of America can play along because they have seen the shows. They like the movie stuff but they tune in for the TV stuff. Am I wrong? Please tell me I’m wrong.

The comments are worth reading as well. Okay, so we might as well play the game too, although unless Ryan starts posting this isn’t going to be very funny. I don’t do funny. I do sloppy and I do tired but I don’t do funny. I’m just not funny. Anyway, here goes, after the cut.

The Political Oscars

Host: Larry King
Producer: Lowell Bergman
Ideal Best Picture Winner: Capitalism: A Love Story (first doc ever, etc.), alternate, The InsiderOpening Number: a grim rundown of the state of our economy, from California to Washington, DC., narrated by that Frontline guy.
Clips Reel: Capitalism: A Love Story, Sicko, Bowling for Columbine, Fahrenheit 911
Log Line: Save the Oscars, Save the Economy
Bonus Feature: all of the actress presenters must present topless.

Okay, so maybe the political Oscars would finally kill the beast at last.