2023 Golden Globe Nominee Reactions (Imaginary)

As Julia Child once said, “I am convinced that in your zeal to fight against our enemies, you, too, have forgotten what you are fighting for.”

The Golden Globe nominations dropped this morning. There was eerie quiet on Twitter, save for one or two of Salem’s Puritans urging people not to pay attention to them, or boycott them, or whatever. WHATEVER. After bending over backwards to try to dig themselves out of the Freak Out from two years ago, they’ve revamped nearly everything. But now that their membership is easily the most inclusive of the major voting bodies, it still isn’t good enough. That’s the upspoken message I’m getting this morning, despite the rather exciting slate of nominations. 

In the 1950s, which side would you have wanted to be on? The side of those who went along with the blacklisting of accused Communists and Communists sympathizers? Or would you have been on the side of bravely standing up to the blacklist advocates? It isn’t easy to stand apart and withstand the slings and arrows, but it is necessary. Otherwise, you might as well pack it in. Stop making movies, stop watching them, let the whole thing die. Nothing is ever going to be good enough.

Whatever religion has transfixed the formerly open-minded Left, politically and culturally, apparently has no path for redemption or forgiveness,and they like it that way.

Salem Village was so miserable, when children were kidnapped by the warring Native Americans, they often wanted to stay with the tribe rather return home to the eternal dark winter where the only education on offer was the Bible, and even then only men could read it. Is it any wonder a handful of adolescent girls decided to upend the whole thing?

In the utopian days of the 1950s, there was a suspicion that Communists were everywhere. What the suspects did, what they read, who they hung out with, where they worked — all of it was policed by their fellow Americans. Of course, because the Left back then was opposed to the blacklisting, there were great plays written about it, like Arthur Miller’s The Crucible. And of course, episodes of Rod Serling’s The Twilight Zone. Drama can often express what people in real life are afraid to say. Which is why when art is in the clutches of religion we all kind of lose our minds.

That makes it all the more admirable that many people did stand up back in the 1950s and speak out about an oppressive, censorious mass hysteria event. And those who do so today, in 2022, have much to lose. That’s why so many stay silent. They don’t want to be outed, targeted, shunned, or attacked.

Twitter is our Salem Village. It gathers all of the new Puritans in one giant panopticon. They can hurl people into the arena for public shaming. They can end careers. They can destroy reputations. They do this just as the adolescent girls in in Salem did it. It’s power, however temporary. They do this just as those dragged before committees and behind closed doors who named names. They do this because they’d rather associate with the snitches than the witches.

“They pick the most dangerous enemy they can find and it’s themselves.” — The Monsters are Due on Maple Street

Ordinarily we would be posting the Globes reaction messages from the nominees — but today it doesn’t seem like many are forthcoming. Publicists don’t want to risk harming their clients at the beginning of the Oscar race. They don’t want to become the center of attention on Twitter. They don’t want to fend off the slings and arrows. The boycotts. The screeching. My god, the screeching.

So I’ll do it for them. I’ll make them up out of whole cloth. Let’s start with The nominations leader, the Banshees of Inisherin, one of the year’s best films with a whopping 8 nominations.

“I’d like to thank the HFPA for these nominations. I woke up this morning in total shock. We worked very hard on the film which we believe has a beautiful message at its center about the power of kindness. Martin McDonagh’s brilliant screenplay is probably the best thing written in Hollywood in the last ten years and it was an absolute pleasure to be in that world. The best line in it is about how humans went wrong when they agreed to go along with dominating animals, being cruel to them. Cruelty is a great flaw in our species and it is all too common. Is hate something that has to be taught? Or is it hard-wired in our DNA to form tribes and fight wars? I’m betting on the latter. Nature itself is competitive. Who lives, who dies, who wins, who loses. 

We are hoping with these 8 nominations, our film will be seen by more people, that the word will spread that a great movie is just waiting in movie theaters for people to buy tickets to see it, to help keep movies alive. We understand that movies like ours are struggling at the box office right now. Big articles in the New York Times have been about how the “Oscar movie” is dying. So we’re happy to be here, happy to be joining the fight to keep the industry thriving so that we can keep making movies like this one, and people can have movies like this one playing at their neighborhood movie theater. From the bottom of our hearts, thank you.
—The cast of The Banshees of Inisherin [satire]

From Jim Cameron [satire]:

“I’d like to thank the Globes for our nominations for Best Picture and Best Director for Avatar: The Way of the Water. We remember winning Best Picture and Best Director the first time, way back in 2009, famously. I have poured my life into this movie for years now, through COVID lockdowns, through the potential death of movies in movie theaters. I am so grateful it is being well-received, and grateful for this nomination. Maybe a big movie like ours didn’t need it, but we’re still grateful to be named among the best films of the year. We understand how important it is to keep our industry thriving right now, at a time when our movie theaters aren’t filling seats. Here’s hoping lots of people will watch the show. The only way I won’t be there is if my publicist tells me Twitter will get mad if I show up. They will blacklist me too. Well, um, okay. They can try. But I’m Jim Cameron. I’m kind of Teflon to that stuff. Either way, thank you.” 

From Steven Spielberg and The Fabelmans [satire]:

The HFPA has always been kind to me over the years. I mean:

I’m not bragging. Seriously. I’m not. I’m stiff GRATEFUL AF. I don’t want to be blamed for wrecking movies back from when Jaws changed the box office. I’ve been making movies ever since and I hope I’ve shown that I don’t only make blockbusters by now. I made The Fabelmans about my life as a young director growing up with a sometimes chaotic, but loving family. I was always a watcher, an outsider. I was lucky to have two parents who, in their own ways, were geniuses. My dad was an engineer and my mom was an artist. That combo really did seem to produce me, maybe the greatest director who ever lived. 

“Objection,” says Jim Cameron. 

SS: “Objection? This isn’t a trial. This is my reaction email my publicist won’t send. You don’t get to object, Jim. Isn’t it enough that you’ll have the highest grossing film of all time? You have to step on my toes here?”

JC: “I’m just saying, what defines the ‘greatest living director’ is subjective, at best. It is presumptuous of you to–“

SS: “Dude, by the end of this, you get to waltz across another stage and say “I’m KING OF THE WORLD!” Who gets to do that? No one else. I didn’t get to do that when I won for Schindler’s List. It was somber. It was sad.”

JC: “Well, the Titanic wasn’t exactly a walk in the park, pal.”

SS: “Seriously? We’re going to do this now?”

JC: “Sorry. Don’t tell Twitter, okay? The last thing I need after making the most expensive movie ever made is for Twitter to throw a fit.”

SS: “Yeah, you know — one of the reasons I’m a great director — maybe the greatest director who ever lived — is that I, unlike you, know how to bring a movie in under budget.”

JC: “Whatever, man. Whatever.” 

SS: “As I was saying. Thanks to the HFPA. My cast thanks you. My parents would thank you. We’re all most grateful for these nominations.”

Statement from Ana De Armas [satire]:

“I would like to thank the HFPA for noticing my performance after the critics stomped all over it and took it out of contention. OR SO THEY’D LIKE TO THINK. How do you like me now? I worked very hard on this role and became Marilyn Monroe.  That isn’t as easy as it looks. Getting inside a dream, trying to act out things that are very hard to explain. My vision for the character was the real ME (her) trapped inside a nightmare. It was supposed to be a horror movie, but it was also supposed to work as metaphor.  Anyway, I feel honored today and appreciated.”

Statement from Baz Luhrmann [satire]:

“Wait, I’m filming a TikTok — and ACTION. Thanks to the HFPA for this incredible honor. As you know, I am a huge fan of E. We were taking care of business in a flash to bring the King to the big screen. For some reason, we didn’t have trouble filling seats, probably because Austin Butler is such a brilliant actor who brought Elvis to life. Hashtag: genius. Hashtag: The King. Thank you! We’re over the moon.”

Statement from the production of RRR [satire]:

“WOW! We can’t believe it! We are so thrilled to be part of the Golden Globe ceremony. We will all be watching and on the edge of our seats. We think it’s a little strange that so many people out there aren’t as excited as we are. Maybe they’ve gotten too comfortable with having everything, eh? Maybe it’s easy for them to throw away an award nomination because they happen all the time. Well, for us they don’t. We want for more people to see this movie, to hear about it and hopefully they will see why we care so much that it succeeds. Thank you to the HFPA for this incredible honor.”

We’ll be reporting more reactions as they come in. Congratulations to all of the nominees, and to everyone who is trying to keep the film industry, movie theaters and the magic of all of it alive.