There is a line in Alfred Hitchcock’s most excellent Rear Window where Grace Kelly defends the pretty dancer surrounded by men in the apartment across the way, “I’d say she is doing a woman’s hardest job, juggling wolves.”
That reminds me of Bill Kramer’s job heading into the Oscars. He’s juggling wolves. It’s impossible to satisfy everyone and still produce a popular show that doesn’t crater in the ratings to an embarrassing degree. No one in the Hollywood of 2024 wants their efforts to be reduced to ratings or box office numbers. They want to exist happily and peacefully inside a utopia of their own making. And who wouldn’t, right? Once they make the jump to streaming, after their contract with ABC expires, they will no longer have to fret about those of us out here in the dark. What they do will be their own business.
“A perfect little world that doesn’t really need you,” is how Laurie Anderson once described Heaven. But this year, they do need to boost ratings because they are still under contract and, let’s face it, the box office is a ghost town and the empire is in a state of collapse.
Pete Hammond over at Variety reports on the names being floated including Ryan Reynolds and Hugh Jackman, being that Wolverine is one of the only hits this year. Amy Poehler too is on the list of names being approached and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. But in his piece he writes this hilarious paragraph:
But would they do it? Reliable sources tell Deadline the outreach is real but there are mixed signals as to whether the stars are willing to participate. I would guess there also is the question of Disney’s and Marvel’s actual planned Oscar campaign for Deadpool & Wolverine, where I have heard Reynolds will be campaigned for Lead Actor and Jackman for Supporting.
Um, yeah, so somehow I think that campaign might not exactly bear fruit? Just a wild guess. Are we being serious here? He then writes:
Would they want to commit with that also looming as this awards season starts to take hold?
Not to be mean or anything but it reminded me of this scene in The Big Lebowski:
Oh I miss the Hollywood that was still funny.
But in all seriousness, it’s time for some straight talk. I’m just going to bottom line it. If you think of the number zero now imagine whatever is less than that as the interest the general public has in the Oscars now. At best, the only real excitement people get is in hate-watching them and mocking all of the self-important people in the audience and on the stage. I know Hollywood doesn’t see itself that way. I get it. But that is how most people see them if they think of them at all. I’m sorry that it is this way. But it is this way. Hollywood is stuck in the past (newsflash). What I mean by that is they see themselves as “important” and no one else does.
No one cares if Jennifer Lawrence or Julia Roberts or Jennifer Garner are out in force scolding Americans on how to vote. If anything, it works against the Democrats to be aligned with Hollywood, given how unpopular Hollywood is right now. They don’t realize it yet. No one has told them or will tell them because no one is allowed to really speak the truth in Hollywood. It’s a sad, sorry state of affairs but it accounts for the bad ratings not just for the Oscars but for SNL, late night comedy, etc. They appeal to a very narrow group of people – let’s call them people who watch Rachel Maddow unironically.
So if we’re just going to leave it at that then it doesn’t matter who hosts. No one they pick is going to boost the ratings. It isn’t going to matter. If even Barbenheimer couldn’t viagra the ratings – if even a brilliant dance number with Ryan Gosling could do it – then where are we actually? Well, for starters, we’re at the end of the Oscars being only on network television. They will have to do what the Golden Globes are now doing, the Critics Choice and the SAGs – exile to streaming or at least showing on both network television and streaming. In other words, having Larry David or Tina Fey or John Oliver or even Wolverine isn’t going to make people watch. They want to watch Wolverine, not the Oscars. Trust me on that one.
Of the names floated, The Rock would be my choice of the only one who MIGHT move the needle. Times have changed. People have so much content at their fingertips they don’t have to watch the Oscars and trust me, they won’t. They will wiat and check out the clips on YouTube. Like that Ryan Gosling number? 18 million views – as many people as watched the entire Oscars.
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I know my readers hate it when I write stuff like this but I feel compelled because I am uniquely suited to do it and I want to HELP the Oscars and the industry revive the corpse. They can’t do it while they’re still locked away in their doomsday bunker fearful of the monsters that roam the perimeter.
The worst thing Hollywood ever did was take a side politically. Maybe they didn’t realize how it would hurt their brand. I know a thing or two about hurting your brand. Had I stayed silent, hid what I really thought about everything that was going on, I might have preserved by brand. You know, like Taylor Swift. But for me, it was worth the risk because speaking the truth is more important to me. And maybe that’s true for Robert De Niro and all of the other actors who spout politics day in and day out. Maybe they are so rich now they have nothing to lose. That was not the case with me, I can assure you.
Why, they might be starting to wonder about now, aren’t people showing up to see George Clooney, Julia Roberts, Jennifer Lawrence and all of the other outspoken political actors? You do the math. Don’t make me say it.
Hollywood overall is unpopular right now. But the political actors are the least popular of all of them. At least Tom Cruise has kept his nose out of politics and is, therefore, still accessible to the broader public. And no, you don’t have to tell me that the broader public no longer matters. I know that is true. But the free market has almost always kept a standard for watchable movies, at a bare minimum.
I’m not just talking about the Conservatives here, who LOATHE Hollywood and the Oscars. But I’m talking about younger generations who can access unfiltered content almost everywhere except by Hollywood. In other words, it’s all too safe at a time in. history where people will ONLY tune in to watch something real. You know, maybe Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce will be kissing at the Super Bowl?
I don’t think ratings matter naymore because the public doesn’t matter. The goal is always to please the small segment of people — aristocrats — who exist in their own castle in the sky.
But let’s just assume that they did want to juice ratings and they’re wondering how. It’s really quite simple. You have to offend your base. That’s it. That’s the whole thing. You have to be willing to have people excited about what someone will say. After “the slap,” for instance, they would have tuned in to see what Chris Rock would say. Think of it like Network. Faye Dunaway had a hit when Howard Beale became a person no one knew what he would say.
The downside? Earning the agonizing headlines from the scolds. You might have to give your status inside utopia. And they’ll hit you every which way. Clucking scolding commentary from all of the most revered and respected outlets — the New York Times, the New Yorker, you name it. The sky will fall for all of them but people will watch. I can promise you that.
So let’s start with the common knowledge that Hollywood isn’t “cool” anymore. They aren’t. Sorry, folks. They are the squares. Unhip, uptight, puritanical bores. Even journalists are. Everyone is afraid of being kicked out of utopia –and trust me, it sucks — so they pander. And that is BORING. What you want for the host is not someone who panders (John Oliver, Jimmy Kimmel, Stephen Colbert). You want someone who might say something offensive to the crowd (hello, why do you think Trump is still so popular), or is unpredictable in what they might say.
Here is a list:
#1 Ricky Gervais – the man needs no introduction. There is not a person in America who would not tune in to see what HE had to say. Yes, he would offend. Yes, agonizing op-eds and threatened boycotts would ensue. But people would come, Ray.
#2 Dave Chappelle – talk about a comedian who no one knows what he will say. He is one. And there is zero chance he would host the Oscars. But still,
#3 Joe Rogan – he’d probably only take the gig for the laughs – and he’d probably never take the gig.
#4 Theo Von – my personal choice.
#5 Bill Maher – my mother said to me the other day, “He’s going too far to the other side.” And I say GOOD. That is exactly what the Oscars need. He is one of the few comedians who really does exist in both worlds. Do I agree with everything he says? No. But is he somewhat in the real world? Yes.
The reason I name these guys is that they are tough enough to withstand the blowback. And also they are like a fish out of water to go into a world that almost no one really goes anymore. The Oscars have become a combination of the card party in Sunset Boulevard and the Bates Motel. They are off the beaten path and kind of static in terms of evolution. But a great comedian can bring them back into the discourse in a funny way.
I would also recommend Kevin Hart and Chris Rock. I would like to also name women but unfortunately, for whatever reason, there aren’t many women who exist in the space of funny, popular, somewhat offensive comedy.
But if they want to stay in the “safe” zone, I can’t think of anyone who will rise beyond the 20 million mark for any reason. Wolverine would be fine. Some might watch. But it doesn’t much matter. Those who are already watching will watch no matter who it is.
I do understand that I am wasting my time here. There is no way the Oscars would ask these guys or if they’d even accept (Theo Von hosting the Oscars would be the funniest thing I’ve ever seen in my life and people would tune in). I also know that they are now in a state of managed decline — juggling wolves — waiting to retire to streaming to take the pressure off. And I get it. But if you want viagra and you want a successful night — you have to take a walk on the wild side.
Just saying!